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So here's the deal. We get some schmo professor in the geology department of some third rate university to publish a paper citing some really obscure and unverifiable data showing that the rate of continental drift in the southern hemisphere has been increasing at an alarming rate over the past several years. We have to be sure to use the word alarming over and over again, and always in italics. Ooh, ooh, here's an even better idea. We get some schmo professor in the geology department at Harvard to publish the paper. That'll really impress the liberal wingnuts, and those Harvard professors are even dumber than your typical university faculty member. Plus they'll say, do, or publish just about anything you tell 'em as long as it lends support to the cause. The paper will say that the rate of continental drift has increased from 10-40 mm per year, the rate at which fingernails grow, to an alarming 160 mm per year, the rate at which hair grows. The paper will cite statistics and provide really complicated graphs that purport to show that this alarming increase in continental drift is positively correlated with rising numbers of earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and deadly monsoons in the southern hemisphere. I know that monsoons doesn't really fit, geologically speaking, but disasters always sound scarier in threes, so I included monsoons. Besides, including weather phenomena will bring over some of the global warming lunatics who aren't quite ready to give up their old religion yet in exchange for the new one. Now it goes without saying that all this mayhem is accompanied by tremendous loss of life. The bogus statistics on third world disaster death tolls should be the easiest to fabricate. After all, nobody pays much attention to that stuff anyway. The final conclusion of the paper has to confront the alarming reality, that unless something is done immediately and at tremendous expense, half the population of the planet faces certain extermination from the ravages of runaway continental drift. Or something like that. This would be a good opportunity to play up the "Ring of Fire" analogy. Great potential visuals ya know? Finally, we need to blame this fabrication we've created on something. We can't blame it on CO2 emissions, or DDT, or CFC's and ozone depletion 'cause we've already used those, and someone might get wise. We can blame it on overfishing in the southern oceans or industrial pollution from developing Brazil, or deep water drilling off the coast of Africa. Ooh, deep water drilling! That's a good one. It even sounds vaguely plausible. And it'll give us one more chance to sock it to Big Oil. The Birkenstock crowd will love that. Bottom line: It doesn't matter what we blame it on as long as we can sell it. How hard can that be? Al Gore convinced Blue State America that Hurricane Katrina was caused by too many coal fired power plants and neglecting to switch off the lights when they leave the room. As long as you include disadvantaged minorities and an appeal to white guilt in the sales pitch, you can sell anything to a liberal.
Coming up with a new problem is one thing. Selling the solution is where the real skill comes into play. The solution will have to be something that will appeal to the anti-globalization crowd. Let's face it. They're the ones who are really driving all the climate change mumbo jumbo. Well, them and the Democrats looking for a new excuse to raise our taxes. Think Cap and Trade. To appeal to the anti globalists, the solution has to be something that offers the greatest advantages to the third world while imposing the greatest burdens on the industrialized world. Its got to be good enough to encourage them to forsake the cause of Climate Change and hitch their horse to the wagon of Continental Drift. It has to promise the potential to damage the American economy and end our way of life. It would be better still if it could destroy all of Western Civilization as we know it. Sounds like a pretty tall order, but fear not. I have a cunning plan.
The solution I've got in mind is an inspiration, a work of art, a masterpiece. Its a real corker. Obviously, you can't stop an earthquake or a volcanic eruption, or even a monsoon. Oh, we could try to stop all the deep water drilling, but the fight against global warming demonstrated how selfish and unreasonable some people get when you start messing with their ability to drive their SUVs, watch their big screen TVs, or simply maintain a basic standard of living without the government taxing them into oblivion. Especially those conservative Republican types. They just don't seem to be "big picture" kind of people. And we never could quite figure out a way to cut down on CO2 emissions. Nope. You can't fight mother nature. So what we do is propose the humanitarian approach. If we can't make the southern hemisphere safe for its inhabitants, we just invite them all up here to the safety of the northern hemisphere. The solution is elegant in its simplicity. Yep, we just declare open borders in America and all across Europe. Hardly seems like much of a stretch from the present circumstances does it? Anyone from south of the equator is eligible. I know that will leave out Mexico and Central America, but what the hell. Most of them are here already. Oh, we could fiddle with the data to exclude Australia, I suppose. No sense encouraging immigration from an English speaking country with a western culture, no terrorists, high literacy rates, superior work ethic, and marketable job skills. The anti-globalists will hardly find that too appealing. On second thought, we probably wouldn't have to fiddle the numbers. Once this policy is in place, the Aussies are not likely to want to come here anyway.
Now as good as this solution is, it can't succeed without a marketing plan. Global warming had a good one that almost worked. Mine's better. Here are a few modest proposals. Ideally, the scholarly paper by the eminent Harvard professor should be published in the same year as a significant southern disaster with great loss of life. The connection will be tenuous at best, but it will be portrayed by the media as proof positive that enhanced continental drift is the latest threat to the planet. (see Hurricane Katrina; paragraph 2) The media will be instrumental to the success of the plan, and once the original paper is published, its only a matter of time until the liberal press gets a hold of it. Lets face it: This whole idea just screams New York Times Editorial Page!! With just a little encouragement, the liberal media will take this ball and run with it. It will soon take on a life of its own. America's journalists these days are not exactly known for their intelligence or critical thinking when it comes to promoting a story. Don't believe me? Then I have just two words for you. Swine flu. Now that that's settled, we can move on. The media will soon be abuzz with talk of continental drift. Meanwhile, efforts to spur more research at the country's institutions of higher learning will start to pay dividends. Tenure seeking professors in geology departments all across the land will be fighting for a place at the trough of big government research grants. Nobody's gonna want to miss out on this gravy train, especially with all the global warming malarkey being tapped out and headed into the crapper. "Climate change? Oh that's so yesterday's news. My latest research interests are along the lines of plate tectonics," they'll say. Enhanced continental drift theory will be the new "settled science". "The debate's over," they'll exclaim.
As the movement starts to gather momentum, Hollywood will come along for the ride. Who wants to be the last of the beautiful people on board the political correctness bandwagon when continental drift becomes the cause celebre? And think of all the millions they'll rake in on the left coast with a whole new genre of disaster movies. I can see it now: Global Warming: The Next Generation. This will help cement the concept of continental drift as the world's most pressing problem in the minds of thousands of America's simpletons. "I saw it in the movies so it must be true. Angelina Jolie wouldn't lie to me would she?" The UN will join the chorus early on. Those weasels can smell money from two continents away no matter which direction the wind or the continents are drifting.
But what if the plan fails? What if after all the "hard science", the university support, the media blitz, and the UN appeals, the developed countries don't come across with an offer to the huddled masses to come and set up houskeeping up north? We'll need a back up plan. Further research could reveal that the drift was even worse than first imagined. Huge swaths of subduction will be discovered where one tectonic plate plunges to its destruction under its opposing plate, annihilating whole continents in the process. Instead of the southern hemisphere simply being racked by chronic natural disasters, entire continents will now be found to be disappearing at an alarming rate. Why, in the next 100,000 years, Africa may be gone altogether. The call will go out from Congress that we must act quickly on this vital new information if we are to avert disaster. Not only must we open our borders immediately, but we must undertake an enormous new effort of monumental proportions and with utmost dispatch, to ferry these sad, unfortunate creatures to our shores aboard every ship and airplane that can be mobilized. We can market it as the Manhattan Project to save the world. We'll be told we must set up immigration stations reminiscent of Ellis Island all across the country. Think of the nostalgia that will be evoked with the reference to Ellis Island. America will have the chance to relive a glorious piece of her history. Yeah, I bet I could sell that oad-lay of ap-cray to your average progressive sucker. These poor souls can be welcomed upon arrival with automatic citizenship and the opportunity to register as Democrats so that they can continue to vote themselves ever increasing welfare entitlements. It's the least we can do in the name of humanity; in the name of rescuing the planet. That way the anti-globalization zealots will still be happy, and the liberal politicians will be peeing their pants with glee.
Now not everyone is going to be stupid enough to fall for this gibberish. We should anticipate opposition from the more conservative citizens. Not all Americans are brain dead. There are, sadly, some American voters who are still awake and vigilant. I propose a strategy to undermine their effectiveness. What I suggest is a plan to peel away the evangelicals from the conservative coalition. Coopt them in advance and turn them to the dark side, as it were. This won't be easy. I know a few evangelical Christians, and they're all smart, principled, and well informed. In fact, other than the whole "read your Bible" thing, we're pretty much on the same page. My guess is that they wonder what the hell I could be thinking as much as I wonder about what's going on in their heads. Anyway, what we do is we find some vague reference in the Bible about famine, flood, pestilence or some other natural catastrophe. How hard can that be? We then somehow link it obscurely with our theory of enhanced continental drift, throw in some references to Armgeddon and end times, maybe even some hocus pocus about Nostradamus, and before you know it, they'll be eating right out of our hand. After getting caught with their pants down with the whole evolution/intelligent design thing, they'll be willing to bust down doors to be on the same side of an argument as popular scientific thought. Especially when it supports Bible prophecy. They've been looking for a way to live down the whole "the earth is 5000 years old" fiasco for years now. Well this is their chance. Praise Jesus. Without the strength and integrity of the evangelicals, the conservatives might just be vulnerable.
So that's the plan. Mine is a message of hope. Yes we can America. So the global warming hoax didn't pan out. We got close didn't we? We almost had 'em. Next time we'll hit it out of the park. I'm telling you; continental drift is the winning ticket; Until then, I invite you to reflect on these immortal words with apologies to Earnest Thayer and the mighty Casey:
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Copenhagen--Mighty Al Gore has struck out.
Jess
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