To Christine...Fondly

 

Dear Christine:

First of all, let me wish you a Happy New Year.

I went onto eHarmony last night to wish you the same, but I found that you’d ended the conversation just a few nights earlier. Not that anyone considers transparency or closure as prominent features of “the apps”, but to whatever degree our joint experience serves as a data point in your assessment of online dating, let me just offer this short explanation of it from my point of view. I’d have preferred this to be a brief text, but it seems I’ve lost the capacity to do brief anymore. I’ve posted the full message on my blog. 

I’m trying to decide how to start the next paragraph.

Option one: I think online dating is a wonderful innovation. Or

Option two: Online dating is a terrible way to meet a romantic partner, except for ALL the other available possibilities.

Actually, both can be true. I believe online dating IS a wonderful innovation, but only because the other options are all so lousy, especially for a shy person.

I used to think online dating was just for desperate people or superficial people. I don’t think that any more. Yes, there are some desperate people out there. And Christ, there are entire websites dedicated to the superficial ones just looking for hook-ups! But other than a few scammers, most of the women whose profiles I’ve examined are honest, sincere women who have just decided to take control of their circumstances and look for exactly what I’m looking for; a compatible companion so that they can overcome loneliness and enjoy a better quality of life. To the extent that we share that motivation, I love and admire every woman I’ve ever encountered on the dating apps, and I wish every one of them eventual success despite the obstacles, the frustrations, and the occasional (frequent?) disappointments.

As we age, some of us lose our filters. We say things our younger selves might never have said. That can be awkward and embarrassing at times. But for an introvert, it can also be liberating! Add to that the fact that with online dating the conversation typically starts from behind a keyboard instead of face to face, and the results can be transformative. I’m an introvert, but I’ve never felt so confident in a social setting as I do now. By the time I find myself on an actual date sitting across the table from an attractive woman, I am no longer intimidated by her beauty, her status, or her own poise and self confidence. She is no longer a stranger to me. She’s my newest old friend. The date is just an opportunity to get to know this friend a little better. 

Now, the lady might not view the situation quite the same way I do. I may be gushing with new found confidence and enthusiasm while she may be a bit more reserved and trying to figure out exactly what’s wrong with me. In retrospect, I’ve found that I may come across a bit too strong. A bit too open and straightforward. A bit too honest. If the lady is less inclined to share the intimacies of her thoughts and feelings than I am, I can tend to jump in and fill the quiet moments with more details about my own thoughts and feelings. As I reflect on that, it occurs to me that it may make me look narcissistic; like I’m only interested in talking about myself. (Thinking of the Toby Keith song I Wanna Talk About Me) What I’m really after is to encourage the lady to share herself with me by setting an example. Note to self: Rein it in! Temper the enthusiasm. Filters aren’t necessarily a bad thing. On the other hand, nobody walks away from a conversation with me lately thinking they haven’t seen the real me.

That was a long winded introduction. I don’t believe I overthink things, but I definitely do overexplain them!

Christine, I dropped the ball on our relationship. I know. It wasn’t a relationship. It was just a date. But I dropped the ball. I called later, on short notice, to ask you to that concert at the Smyrna Opera House. You already had plans. Perfectly normal sequence of events. I chose to read between the lines. Either you really had plans or it was a polite way to say “no thanks.” 50/50 odds. I chose to assume the latter. The latest messages between us on both eHarmony and text were from me, the implication (unwritten rule) was that the next message should be from you. No message was forthcoming. I made the judgment (right or wrong) that you were probably not interested in pursuing the relationship. I'm a bit embarrassed that I didn't seek to clarify the situation before coming to a conclusion. My honest assessment is that you are a bit out of my league anyway in some respects, the age difference being the most obvious one. So I let it go. But I occasionally gave it some thought, and New Years seemed to offer a good opportunity (good excuse?) to close out this chapter.

Getting back into dating after so many years has been an experience. On balance, a wonderful one, actually, but not without some hiccups. I honestly think I get better at it with every online conversation and every in person meeting. You played a some small role in that. I enjoyed meeting you. I enjoyed our dinner together. I think of you fondly regardless of which of the two narratives I’ve spun in my head is the accurate one.

Also, if I may use that whole "no filters" thing as a sort of "Get Out of Jail Free" card,  let me take the opportunity to also mention that you’re a great kisser.

Good luck to you, and once again, have a Happy New Year.

Jess